I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize