i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
