I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
