I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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