If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
