the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
