if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
