Do you still have your period?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
