paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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