you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
