Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize