Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
