my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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