I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
