not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
