you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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