Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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