i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dignity is for republicans.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize