Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
