just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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