There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
