I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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