I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
