She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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