I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
