i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
