2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
