Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize