There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
