Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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