So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
