Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
