i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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