So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am midnight drunk by noon
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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