everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
did you just send me my own nude
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
