we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
