Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
love makes seman taste better
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
