reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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