I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
