I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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