I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
