barbara walters just said penis...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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