need another drink. this is the easiest way
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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