Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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