fuck your aforementioned shoe
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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