I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
