Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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