I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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