i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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