census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
