Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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