Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
