we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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