I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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