I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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