you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
