i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
