i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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