you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I party with great urgency now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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