he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
