I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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