Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
