I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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