Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
