I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
